I know it's impossible to take your own words and eat it up. And I don't mean to write an apologetically post. But with regards to my last post; I know crap, I know nothing about love, feelings and what-have-you-not. I have evidence of it. Nine failed relationships in 13 months... How crap could I be?
Who am I kidding? I've gotten way over my head, didn't I? I knew it, I knew you'd agree. I've let my emotions run over all of my thinking. I am a stupid bleeding daft git. As ambivalent as I am, as a fool as I am, as an idiot as I am, one thing that might be ironic to some is that I'm a realist. People who know me, I keep things real. And this is the reason for this post. Trying to keep it real. Yeah, perhaps you are right, maybe you are right, that I'm having cold feet with this wonderful new... I don't even know what I could call it as, this thing I'm having, this once sided sad story of mine...
Why all of a sudden did I write this post? Well, for a start, with these kind of thoughts in my mind, you can as hell forget trying to get me to sleep. I'll just toss and turn like a freaking tumble dryer. The other reason is my ambivalence. I'm afraid. All of a sudden I had this feelings of 'freaking out' perhaps married people call it 'cold feet'. I don't quite know how this freak out happened. Perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me. It's just that, I had a thought, what on earth could I do to make SA happy? I freaked out, my mind was like an innocent kid, raising his shoulders and hands up, shaking his head, gesturing I don't know, it wasn't me... I'm starting to think that I'm incapable of loving anyone anymore. No, no, this is not a drama I'm making for myself. I know what you are thinking... No.
I wanted to express it to you, my dear readers, but it's just too gray in scale to even describe what I am trying to say. In fact, I wanted to cry (yeah, I know, such a sissy thing!), because I really don't want to break SA's heart. I really don't want SA to be part of my embarrassing statistic. I don't want to hurt no more. It's just that. I know I can change but then again, really? Can I? Seriously?
I know what I wrote in my previous blog sounds so "aww, so love-y dove-y, aww so sweet", but wake up and smell the coffee! Who am I kidding, really... Seriously... Really! So I'm taking it all back. I know that I could just delete the post and let it to that. But I would know that I wrote it and deleting it would make this post, even freakier! Rambling! Pah! Okay, at least it's out of my chest. Thank you blog for listening...
Better shut up now, than digger deeper into my own grave. Until then... (I don't want to spell check... I'm to embarrassed writing it already, let alone reading it again!)
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Monday, 7 December 2009
A First Time (Perhaps)
I'm not sure, if this is the first time I've felt like this. Missing someone like crazy. Missing someone badly.
I feel like a fool right now. I don't know if I had mention this before, but if you track back of all my post that I have written, of all the relationship that I have been through, I consider only one that remains real and have touched my life tremendously. That was my relationship with YKW.
If you had known YKW, you could ask when did I said the sacred three word? If you don't know, let me tell you then. I told YKW "I love you" almost four months into the relationship. It was very difficult for me to say those words. When YKW said those words to me, my replied was "thank you". It didn't go well, at first, but after explaining why I had said so, YKW understood that it takes time for me to say what I really feel. I wasn't sure at first, but I am thankful to YKW's perseverance, we managed to stay together for two wonderful years.
So what is this first time I am on about this time? Truth to be told, despite the number of relationships that I had under my belt, it takes time for me to really fall in love, although I must admit those three words were easily expressed after my relationship with YKW. Perhaps, subconsciously, maybe, I was desperate to share and spend my life with someone. I remember telling YKW that I really really really really really like YKW, before admitting that I was in love. Before YKW, I loved to be single, living the life that I always wanted. I have been bounded by my family so much, back then, I did everything for them, and when I 'lost' them, I was enjoying my own life for the very first time. You can say that was the point in time, I was most independent. And enjoyed it very well. My single, carefree life came to an abrupt halt when YKW entered my life. And slowly, everything changed; for the better, when I think about it now.
When YKW left, I was so dependent for emotional support, even physically. Basically, within those two years, I've let YKW become my emotional crutch. And perhaps that was the reason why it was easy for me to say those three words after YKW. Subconsciously, desperate perhaps. I don't know, maybe it's not my place to judge, perhaps it is others to judge and comment the way I lived my life. After YKW, I embarked on almost nine relationship in the course of 13 months. I say almost nine, because one relationship lasted 10 days, and the decision was relatively mutual, because, well, let's just say, I accidentally entered a relationship triangle. And my presence was not required and I excused myself from the complication. Enough about past relationship. But all of them inclusive of YKW, they were the one who proposed the relationship to me, and me being ambivalent, just accepted it willy nilly, without much thought and consideration. If you remembered in my previous posts, I was merely giving the time and chance if things could work out, but eventually none manage to last.
Talk about digressing... so yeah... This is the first time that I feel compelled to propose a relationship. This is the first time, that I am so much attracted to someone. This is the first time, I feel that I truly wanted to be with someone. This is my very first time of falling in love. Don't get me wrong, there isn't a relationship at the moment. I am not in a relationship. So far, from my knowledge, I am the only one feeling like this. I have no or very little clue what SA is feeling at the moment. Perhaps SA is a cautious or carefree just like I was before YKW. I don't know. Like I said previously, I feel like a fool. Somehow naive like falling in love for the first time. I feel pretty silly about myself. I feel so stupid.
Being offshore doesn't help, I suppose, I feel helpless, that I can't do anything to make things happen. Perhaps, this is a blessing? Perhaps this the divine ways of trying to slow me down and not rush into things. Good God! Can you tell me how many "perhaps" that I have written in this one post? Talk about being ambivalent eh?
Work kind of sucks at the moment, no, not because it is a Monday. But particularly on the behaviour of my team lately, they have been taking shortcuts and manipulating things around. Which is totally unacceptable and irresponsible behaviour. I have been offshore for the last few months, relieving for my colleagues for a few days. I have told them time and time again, to clean up the office. The office is slowly piling heaps of worthless paper containing outdated information. So last night while they were having dinner, I locked the doors and pulled all the stickies and paper stuck on the wall. All of them. I have been asking them to rotate the table to make more space for people to work on, for months! And last night, I did it all by myself and I found so many rubbish hidden behind the table. It was disgusting. There was a plastic cup that looks like have been left there for months. It is simply ridiculous. All these while I have been tolerating all of these things, but last night was the last draw. Sometimes, you'd just have to do the dirty work yourself.
In the office lies on the table, a desktop PC, which we have been using to do work, but unable to connect to the internet. For months and months, they have been provided with a reliable laptop to work on, and yet it remained sitting on the other desk unused. I have told them repeatedly to transfer all of their work to the laptop, but nothing have been done so far. So today, again, I draw the line. I transferred everything myself! Shut off the PC for once and for all. I can't even to begin to describe the condition on the table. It is absolutely revolting, dust and stains of unknown nature, and cable wires... everywhere!
I just realised how much relief it is to write down your frustration. I just hope that it has no effect on you. Sometimes, vibes, positive and negative in nature, can be infectious. But anyway, today is my last day, and tomorrow morning, hopefully I will be home bound. I can't wait to see SA again.
So anyway, enough ranting, until then....
Saturday, 5 December 2009
The Pulling Force
Sometimes there are some saying generalising that "the harder you try to avoid and resist, the stronger the pull".
And yes, this time around, I am talking about love, but not love per se. I am highly and deliriously infatuated with someone at the moment. It was just one stupid blind date (I knew, I should have avoided it!!!). I'm hoping to get this feeling over and done with. But I just couldn't put a finger, what this feeling that I am having. I know I've felt like this before and these feelings will led me to a path that I am trying to avoid at the moment. But the more I try to avoid, the inevitable it becomes.
If you had imagined a perfect partner for you, physically, emotionally and psychologically, and then one day, that perfect partner that you imagined, came into your life. Would you still turn your cheek away to proof to your own word if you had said in the first place that you will not fall in love again. If you ask me, I'm trying hard to bite my lips at the moment.
(Logged off...)
I am offshore at the moment. The previous paragraph was written two days ago, and a few things had happened since then. I did something really silly. I entertained my heart. The opportunity was there and I grabbed hold of it. And now I'm really head over heels. As I got to know my date, SA, the deeper I've fallen. I had a getaway with my gorgeously transformed girlfriend (as in friend), Lara, and I asked SA to join me. And I am madly (dare I say) fallen in love. But at the moment, I don't know if this feeling I am having is mutual. I guess, SA is keeping neutral about it. I have made my peace with SA with regards to my feelings. But SA kept being a mystery about it, but at the same time gave positive gestures of interests. But I'm taking things slow, of course, not rushing about it.
I'm keeping my thoughts positive and keeping my mind in optimism. Oh, that getaway with Lara was a great one, I'm glad I said yes to her invite. On the first night we spent together, she made a confession that her heart have been wooed by a peculiar wonderful soul. She had never had these kind of emotions before, and in turn, I confessed my feelings about SA and it became a great night. We almost slept with each other as in sleep, but I remembered that I did not take a single minute of sleep since the day before and I must be really tired, and when I do, I snore. So I went back to my room to catch a few hours of sleep. I slept like a baby. Our getaway was at this beautiful location, a B&B. It was such a great place to be and it exist in Brunei even. I know that sounds really hard to believe but true. It was fantastic. The next day was Lara's transformation as a writer. Lara who is also an avid reader of this blog is a brilliant writer. She writes like a painter, describing every little details of her encounter with the world. This transformation was for a photo shoot that she always wanted to have. I was there half of the time, the other half of the time, I went back to my bed and laptop to surf. The reason for this, was that I wanted to be uber surprised by her transformation, and that effect will be greatly enhanced if I didn't see the shoot itself.
Not long after that, we discussed about the barbeque that we will be having for that night, with the photographers and stylist. I had to go out and bought some drinks and food, the chicken were already marinated earlier that night. In just a few hours, all of us convene at the garage stuffing our face with food. It was nice. Later that night, when everybody left, we cleaned up the place and retreated to our own rooms. And that was the night when I met SA and we sat by the porch and talked things over. I only got a few hours of sleep. The next day, I met SA again. We talked some more, but SA seemed reluctant to tell what's bothering. SA seemed a little spaced out. But SA said it was not me that was bothering the mind...
And yesterday I left for offshore and I am missing SA terribly, and today is my second day offshore. The first thought I had was all about SA. I don't know why I am like this... It's coming to a point of ridiculous. But I am happy being ridiculous. I miss SA so much. Even though technically we're not together. (yet?) But I'm taking things slow, I always need a reminder because sometimes I can get ahead of myself too much. As probably you have known.
So anyway, until then...
And yes, this time around, I am talking about love, but not love per se. I am highly and deliriously infatuated with someone at the moment. It was just one stupid blind date (I knew, I should have avoided it!!!). I'm hoping to get this feeling over and done with. But I just couldn't put a finger, what this feeling that I am having. I know I've felt like this before and these feelings will led me to a path that I am trying to avoid at the moment. But the more I try to avoid, the inevitable it becomes.
If you had imagined a perfect partner for you, physically, emotionally and psychologically, and then one day, that perfect partner that you imagined, came into your life. Would you still turn your cheek away to proof to your own word if you had said in the first place that you will not fall in love again. If you ask me, I'm trying hard to bite my lips at the moment.
(Logged off...)
I am offshore at the moment. The previous paragraph was written two days ago, and a few things had happened since then. I did something really silly. I entertained my heart. The opportunity was there and I grabbed hold of it. And now I'm really head over heels. As I got to know my date, SA, the deeper I've fallen. I had a getaway with my gorgeously transformed girlfriend (as in friend), Lara, and I asked SA to join me. And I am madly (dare I say) fallen in love. But at the moment, I don't know if this feeling I am having is mutual. I guess, SA is keeping neutral about it. I have made my peace with SA with regards to my feelings. But SA kept being a mystery about it, but at the same time gave positive gestures of interests. But I'm taking things slow, of course, not rushing about it.
I'm keeping my thoughts positive and keeping my mind in optimism. Oh, that getaway with Lara was a great one, I'm glad I said yes to her invite. On the first night we spent together, she made a confession that her heart have been wooed by a peculiar wonderful soul. She had never had these kind of emotions before, and in turn, I confessed my feelings about SA and it became a great night. We almost slept with each other as in sleep, but I remembered that I did not take a single minute of sleep since the day before and I must be really tired, and when I do, I snore. So I went back to my room to catch a few hours of sleep. I slept like a baby. Our getaway was at this beautiful location, a B&B. It was such a great place to be and it exist in Brunei even. I know that sounds really hard to believe but true. It was fantastic. The next day was Lara's transformation as a writer. Lara who is also an avid reader of this blog is a brilliant writer. She writes like a painter, describing every little details of her encounter with the world. This transformation was for a photo shoot that she always wanted to have. I was there half of the time, the other half of the time, I went back to my bed and laptop to surf. The reason for this, was that I wanted to be uber surprised by her transformation, and that effect will be greatly enhanced if I didn't see the shoot itself.
Not long after that, we discussed about the barbeque that we will be having for that night, with the photographers and stylist. I had to go out and bought some drinks and food, the chicken were already marinated earlier that night. In just a few hours, all of us convene at the garage stuffing our face with food. It was nice. Later that night, when everybody left, we cleaned up the place and retreated to our own rooms. And that was the night when I met SA and we sat by the porch and talked things over. I only got a few hours of sleep. The next day, I met SA again. We talked some more, but SA seemed reluctant to tell what's bothering. SA seemed a little spaced out. But SA said it was not me that was bothering the mind...
And yesterday I left for offshore and I am missing SA terribly, and today is my second day offshore. The first thought I had was all about SA. I don't know why I am like this... It's coming to a point of ridiculous. But I am happy being ridiculous. I miss SA so much. Even though technically we're not together. (yet?) But I'm taking things slow, I always need a reminder because sometimes I can get ahead of myself too much. As probably you have known.
So anyway, until then...
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Breaking your Heart (Again)
Hang on, it's not about love. No, no, I'm still single, I've avoided dating again. No issues on that area. Yet. LOL.
Anyway, what breaks my heart at the moment is the situation with my family. I don't know what's wrong with my family, they have the tendency to just break your heart. I don't want to talk about it here as it is, of course, a private nature. I guess in some ways, families can be like a drug. It's good for you and and sometimes when it gets abused, otherwise. It breaks my heart when I see a family member causing the heartbreak and sometimes I wonder when will they grow up.
At the moment, I love to stand far away from the matter and keeping my distance well clear. My family have the tendency to pull me, like a gravitational pull into their problems. Expecting me to clear all of thier sins and problems. In all honesty, I am sick and tired of solving their problems. In fact I kept on wondering why? Why have problems? Why create problems?
Problems seek you in two ways. One, you seeking problem, and the second, problem comes to you, seeking for you. The second is what I am going through at the moment, but I am trying my best to send clear of the things that they are involved with. It's frustrating, it's really frustrating. I've had my problems but very rarely did I bring them into the it. And these problems that came to them are easily avoidable, but lies, manipulation and deceit is up and alive within them. They subdue problems instead of sloving them. Always expecting in one way or another for others to confront them.
Of course, you may say, "hey, it's your family, you have to be there for your family". Yeah you have a good point there, but sure, you help them once, or twice or maybe more than a hundred. but after a while when they keep repeating these self-made problems, avoidable problems, throughout your life, it comes to a point where you want to draw the line. It's frustrating to see them ruin their own lives and expecting other to solve them. So I'm keeping well clear this time. besides, I hate solving problems for them. Because if I do get worked up and emotional, I often say the blunt truth which then comes out as my error. And all of the sudden it is all my fault.
These are the some parts of the issues that I still have with my family. They are as if acting like this rebellious teenager, causing havoc and problems in your life. And all of the sudden, you're the 'parent' and had to attend these issues and problems. It's frustrating, when these problems are cause by mature adults. My siblings are not children anymore. All of them have kids. So why can't they just mature and just freaking grow up!
Okay, frustration over. Until then...
Anyway, what breaks my heart at the moment is the situation with my family. I don't know what's wrong with my family, they have the tendency to just break your heart. I don't want to talk about it here as it is, of course, a private nature. I guess in some ways, families can be like a drug. It's good for you and and sometimes when it gets abused, otherwise. It breaks my heart when I see a family member causing the heartbreak and sometimes I wonder when will they grow up.
At the moment, I love to stand far away from the matter and keeping my distance well clear. My family have the tendency to pull me, like a gravitational pull into their problems. Expecting me to clear all of thier sins and problems. In all honesty, I am sick and tired of solving their problems. In fact I kept on wondering why? Why have problems? Why create problems?
Problems seek you in two ways. One, you seeking problem, and the second, problem comes to you, seeking for you. The second is what I am going through at the moment, but I am trying my best to send clear of the things that they are involved with. It's frustrating, it's really frustrating. I've had my problems but very rarely did I bring them into the it. And these problems that came to them are easily avoidable, but lies, manipulation and deceit is up and alive within them. They subdue problems instead of sloving them. Always expecting in one way or another for others to confront them.
Of course, you may say, "hey, it's your family, you have to be there for your family". Yeah you have a good point there, but sure, you help them once, or twice or maybe more than a hundred. but after a while when they keep repeating these self-made problems, avoidable problems, throughout your life, it comes to a point where you want to draw the line. It's frustrating to see them ruin their own lives and expecting other to solve them. So I'm keeping well clear this time. besides, I hate solving problems for them. Because if I do get worked up and emotional, I often say the blunt truth which then comes out as my error. And all of the sudden it is all my fault.
These are the some parts of the issues that I still have with my family. They are as if acting like this rebellious teenager, causing havoc and problems in your life. And all of the sudden, you're the 'parent' and had to attend these issues and problems. It's frustrating, when these problems are cause by mature adults. My siblings are not children anymore. All of them have kids. So why can't they just mature and just freaking grow up!
Okay, frustration over. Until then...
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Happy Day
I have been back to onshore since Tuesday I came back home to found out that my mobile phone was not working, it just wouldn't turn on. At first I thought my phone's battery was dead, but upon charging, there was even no indication that the phone was charging. Feeling deprived of 'communication', I sent the phone to be repaired. I thought it was either my charger was faulty, or perhaps the battery. But the technician had a look and it was neither of them, it was the phone.
The technician told me if the software was malfunctioning, it would only take a day, but if it was the hardware, it would take about couple of weeks. It dawn on me, that if it takes a couple of weeks, I can't live like that... So I did something truly stupid. I bought a new phone. It was an impulse buy. But nevertheless very very therapeutic. So what gadget did I buy myself this time? It's an LG KD900 better known as LG Crystal. It has the first and only see-through keypad and it is such an awesome thing to hold. I bought the phone using online on QQeStore, the saleslady (whom I'm very familiar with), asked what type of phone am I interested in. I said, "three things, one, it has a touchscreen, because everybody seems to be on it, and I do feel jealous and envious, secondly, no windows mobile, I hate their lag, so it must be a symbian OS, and iphone is just damn expensive for me. Lastly, it also owns a keypad. So that I can SMS while driving (Note: Don't deny it, you do it too!!!). She scanned in her head... and said, "Ahh, yes, LG Crystal!!!"
I heard about it, I've seen pictures of it, but once I had it in my hands, there was no turning back. I just fell in love with it, instantly. The technology in this phone is just amazing. I've had LG mobile phones before. The LG KS20 which is the first Windows Mobile for LG mobile phones and the LG Viewty which is rated the best camera phone at one point in 2007. I sold both of them because when Windows mobile although has it's advantages suffers from serious lag problems. And I let go of the Viewty, because a friend wanted to buy his girlfriend a new phone (but in the end, he used it instead and gave his phone to his girlfriend, but it's good to know they're married last week). So I'm back with LG with an S-Class OS which is unique to LG. And it's such a wonderful gadget to have, it's animation is top class, I do admit.
So anyway, yeah, this new phone that I had just bought, is definitely a good one. Some setbacks though, the review for the camera although it is an 8 megapixel camera was bad. If you want to know more about this phone please click here. So happy with my therapeutic purchase, and as soon as I inserted my SIM card into it and turned it on, I had a lot of text messages coming in, and one text message was from my relative/estate broker. She said the lawyers have been trying to get in touch with me but my phone was unreachable. So I called my relative/estate broker, and she explained everything to me, then I called the lawyers and they explained latest updates to me. Not long after that, we booked an appointment for Wednesday at 2pm with the lawyers. When we got there, the lawyer who was in charged, double booked us, but his assistant, was very helpful with us, she gave us all the neccessary forms and asks us to come back at 4pm. She said if we wanted to get the matter settled, we will need to settle everything on that day itself because the lawyer in charged of my estate case will be taking leave for a full week the next day. She asked if the landowner could come as well, so everything can be signed and the deal sealed on that day. It was a mad rush and we were lucky that the landowner was living quite close by to where the lawyers office are.
So at 4pm we reconvene to the lawyers office as stated with all our forms and necessary documents all ready photocopied. And we had our meeting, basically what happened was the lawyer needs to explain everything that we signed. The lawyer was adorable, adorable in this sense is that, this particular lawyer who is malay, had difficulty in explaining in his own language. That's because later, I've learnt that he spend most of his life in the UK growing up and practising law. So he spoke in a very standard malay and the way he explained it was more or less described as adorable. He was explaining it to the landowner who is a lady. But anyway, adorable as he was trying hard to explain, he does carry a charismatic personality and especially when he was talking to me in english, because he was aware that I speak english fluently.
So everything is signed and I am a step closer to own my own property. Well, not entirely, as the property will be assigned as collateral to the bank as well until I make full payment of my mortgage loan. So with everything settle, I'm really psych about it.. Oh by the way one thing I've not told you, the same day, I got a call from the phone shop. My phone have been repaired. And erm, yes, I have one extra mobile phone... Anybody interested? Selling it off for $400 ono. Market price now at $500+. Bought it when it was $695. The phone model is a cybershot phone by SonyEricsson C905. Bought it in May this year. Just in case, drop me a shout in in my shoutmix or email me. Anyway, I feel tired now, and I think it is time for me to have a good night sleep. Until then...
The technician told me if the software was malfunctioning, it would only take a day, but if it was the hardware, it would take about couple of weeks. It dawn on me, that if it takes a couple of weeks, I can't live like that... So I did something truly stupid. I bought a new phone. It was an impulse buy. But nevertheless very very therapeutic. So what gadget did I buy myself this time? It's an LG KD900 better known as LG Crystal. It has the first and only see-through keypad and it is such an awesome thing to hold. I bought the phone using online on QQeStore, the saleslady (whom I'm very familiar with), asked what type of phone am I interested in. I said, "three things, one, it has a touchscreen, because everybody seems to be on it, and I do feel jealous and envious, secondly, no windows mobile, I hate their lag, so it must be a symbian OS, and iphone is just damn expensive for me. Lastly, it also owns a keypad. So that I can SMS while driving (Note: Don't deny it, you do it too!!!). She scanned in her head... and said, "Ahh, yes, LG Crystal!!!"
I heard about it, I've seen pictures of it, but once I had it in my hands, there was no turning back. I just fell in love with it, instantly. The technology in this phone is just amazing. I've had LG mobile phones before. The LG KS20 which is the first Windows Mobile for LG mobile phones and the LG Viewty which is rated the best camera phone at one point in 2007. I sold both of them because when Windows mobile although has it's advantages suffers from serious lag problems. And I let go of the Viewty, because a friend wanted to buy his girlfriend a new phone (but in the end, he used it instead and gave his phone to his girlfriend, but it's good to know they're married last week). So I'm back with LG with an S-Class OS which is unique to LG. And it's such a wonderful gadget to have, it's animation is top class, I do admit.
So anyway, yeah, this new phone that I had just bought, is definitely a good one. Some setbacks though, the review for the camera although it is an 8 megapixel camera was bad. If you want to know more about this phone please click here. So happy with my therapeutic purchase, and as soon as I inserted my SIM card into it and turned it on, I had a lot of text messages coming in, and one text message was from my relative/estate broker. She said the lawyers have been trying to get in touch with me but my phone was unreachable. So I called my relative/estate broker, and she explained everything to me, then I called the lawyers and they explained latest updates to me. Not long after that, we booked an appointment for Wednesday at 2pm with the lawyers. When we got there, the lawyer who was in charged, double booked us, but his assistant, was very helpful with us, she gave us all the neccessary forms and asks us to come back at 4pm. She said if we wanted to get the matter settled, we will need to settle everything on that day itself because the lawyer in charged of my estate case will be taking leave for a full week the next day. She asked if the landowner could come as well, so everything can be signed and the deal sealed on that day. It was a mad rush and we were lucky that the landowner was living quite close by to where the lawyers office are.
So at 4pm we reconvene to the lawyers office as stated with all our forms and necessary documents all ready photocopied. And we had our meeting, basically what happened was the lawyer needs to explain everything that we signed. The lawyer was adorable, adorable in this sense is that, this particular lawyer who is malay, had difficulty in explaining in his own language. That's because later, I've learnt that he spend most of his life in the UK growing up and practising law. So he spoke in a very standard malay and the way he explained it was more or less described as adorable. He was explaining it to the landowner who is a lady. But anyway, adorable as he was trying hard to explain, he does carry a charismatic personality and especially when he was talking to me in english, because he was aware that I speak english fluently.
So everything is signed and I am a step closer to own my own property. Well, not entirely, as the property will be assigned as collateral to the bank as well until I make full payment of my mortgage loan. So with everything settle, I'm really psych about it.. Oh by the way one thing I've not told you, the same day, I got a call from the phone shop. My phone have been repaired. And erm, yes, I have one extra mobile phone... Anybody interested? Selling it off for $400 ono. Market price now at $500+. Bought it when it was $695. The phone model is a cybershot phone by SonyEricsson C905. Bought it in May this year. Just in case, drop me a shout in in my shoutmix or email me. Anyway, I feel tired now, and I think it is time for me to have a good night sleep. Until then...
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Down
I'm feeling down at the moment. I just wish that this depressing feeling just go away and leave me alone. But I feel, it's really hard to describe, but I think, the closest word that could describe this feeling I have is lonely.
I feel empty. I feel hopelessness. I'm not sure where this feelings come from. But I feel like I've lost aim in life. I'm offshore at the moment, I have been here for the last couple of days. I will be leaving a in a few hours. And perhaps being offshore and away from civilisation enhanced this feelings. I know that I have my future house to look forward to, and there's some target or aim in life to that. But I feel so empty inside. I watched the sunset today, and I almost cried. I don't know why I 'almost' cried (the reason for this, there were people passing by, thus too embarrassed to shed a tear). I feel sorry for myself. I feel bad about myself.
Maybe with the recent contact with 'E' had made me realise my mistakes. I have been chatting with 'E' recently. He told me something that really hurts me. After breaking up with me, he avoided places and things that reminded of our relationship. We used to share something (it's private), one would call it a toy, and left it for me to take care. When 'E' asked me to take care of it, 'E' told me that 'E' had never parted with it, until 'E' knew me. When we broke up, I returned this cuddly 'toy' back to 'E'. When we were chatting in MSN, we were reminiscing the good times and this 'toy' got mention. 'E' told me that all of the things that were associated with me, we either thrown or given away. And it includes "E's" car. 'E' had even sold the car that we once sat in and drove around with.
It broke my heart. It really did. I've never meant to 'destroy' someone like this. I feel bad and guilty for treating 'E' badly towards the end of our relationship, badly in this sense, that I just moved on while 'E' suffered for months in silence. I don't know what to make of it anymore. And one thing for sure, I didn't get the last laugh in this drama.
I'm not proud of the man I was, I'm not proud of the man I am, I'm so ashamed of myself. All I did was hurtful. When I think about it again, disrespectful. When I think more about it, I despise myself. I know I can't change the past, but I guess I have the present and the future to change things. I believe that I have been so lost with myself, with my own arrogance and idiocy, in my own stupid world, to realise the consequence of my actions.
And now, I feel lonely as ever. And yes, you are right. I deserve it. But I guess, in time, I'll learn. I've learnt my mistakes, and I will try to be a better man this time. No promises.
My love life have so far, have screeched to a stopping halt. And I confess that I'm having a hard time about it. I've refrained from dating. But it feels so hurtful to be single again. I think my drugs have been love and relationships that now without it, it's just, too hard to describe, despair, disappointment, loneliness, pain, emptiness are all combined into one. I'm sure I'll get over it, and I hope it's sooner. I'm actually lost in my own sentences. This post doesn't make sense to me. It's so jumbled up.
I should stop now. Until then...
I feel empty. I feel hopelessness. I'm not sure where this feelings come from. But I feel like I've lost aim in life. I'm offshore at the moment, I have been here for the last couple of days. I will be leaving a in a few hours. And perhaps being offshore and away from civilisation enhanced this feelings. I know that I have my future house to look forward to, and there's some target or aim in life to that. But I feel so empty inside. I watched the sunset today, and I almost cried. I don't know why I 'almost' cried (the reason for this, there were people passing by, thus too embarrassed to shed a tear). I feel sorry for myself. I feel bad about myself.
Maybe with the recent contact with 'E' had made me realise my mistakes. I have been chatting with 'E' recently. He told me something that really hurts me. After breaking up with me, he avoided places and things that reminded of our relationship. We used to share something (it's private), one would call it a toy, and left it for me to take care. When 'E' asked me to take care of it, 'E' told me that 'E' had never parted with it, until 'E' knew me. When we broke up, I returned this cuddly 'toy' back to 'E'. When we were chatting in MSN, we were reminiscing the good times and this 'toy' got mention. 'E' told me that all of the things that were associated with me, we either thrown or given away. And it includes "E's" car. 'E' had even sold the car that we once sat in and drove around with.
It broke my heart. It really did. I've never meant to 'destroy' someone like this. I feel bad and guilty for treating 'E' badly towards the end of our relationship, badly in this sense, that I just moved on while 'E' suffered for months in silence. I don't know what to make of it anymore. And one thing for sure, I didn't get the last laugh in this drama.
I'm not proud of the man I was, I'm not proud of the man I am, I'm so ashamed of myself. All I did was hurtful. When I think about it again, disrespectful. When I think more about it, I despise myself. I know I can't change the past, but I guess I have the present and the future to change things. I believe that I have been so lost with myself, with my own arrogance and idiocy, in my own stupid world, to realise the consequence of my actions.
And now, I feel lonely as ever. And yes, you are right. I deserve it. But I guess, in time, I'll learn. I've learnt my mistakes, and I will try to be a better man this time. No promises.
My love life have so far, have screeched to a stopping halt. And I confess that I'm having a hard time about it. I've refrained from dating. But it feels so hurtful to be single again. I think my drugs have been love and relationships that now without it, it's just, too hard to describe, despair, disappointment, loneliness, pain, emptiness are all combined into one. I'm sure I'll get over it, and I hope it's sooner. I'm actually lost in my own sentences. This post doesn't make sense to me. It's so jumbled up.
I should stop now. Until then...
Errands Galore
(This post was written on the 18th November)
My anxiety attack last night, exhausted me in some ways that I fell asleep. I can't even remember the point where I fell asleep. But at least I had a good night sleep.
I woke up to day a little late, and I plan to work half day today, because I had errands to run in the afternoon. But unfortunately, I overslept and decided to take the whole day leave. Today, the one errand that I'm running became two. I was supposed to get a letter for the insurance agent and sent it to the bank. And I did just that, but unfortunately the letter did not mention what was required, so I had to make my way back to the insurance agent and wait for them to issue another letter, then I went back to the bank again. It was cumbersome for me, but it is something I sort of appreciated because I've got nothing better to do at the current moment.
I have been thinking about the anxiety attack that I had last night, and trying hard to figure out what was the reason for the worrying and anxiety. And it becomes clearer even after I read the comment from Maria.M : "It is normal to feel anxiety from time to time. The unease, intense worry or nervousness gives character to life's already colorful graph. It is human to feel. Like the 'S' curve of development... you could be climbing from the bottom curve... or are you at the top curve approaching the cliffhanger?"
I think I am going through something of the latter. I'm about to fall off. Fall from or of something, which I still have to figure out. But there feels a great sense of change in me which I am reluctant to do, yet I had to face up, and it feels inevitable. There's something that I have done recently, that probably explains the anxiety. And I only shared it with my best friend, Billy. I have told him that I am going to become celibate (of relationship and love). I told him that I'm cutting those feelings and learning to numb my heart and mind from ever going to that place again. Probably that was why I was anxious. Once I announce my intentions, I became conscious that I have to keep my word that I have just said. Maybe, I worry too much that I might fall again into the same trap. Sometimes, I just keep on wondering, where would you draw the line between trying and giving up? Am I giving up of love? Or am I pushing all intentions to fall in love again? I'm rambling and I know, you're lost in these sentences, I'm lost as well... But it feels so weird when I have consciously have decided and say it, that I'm closing that road that leads to relationships.
I guess, I have said those words before but maybe perhaps this time I mean it. I guess I have decided that this time, even when I found the "perfect" one, I will have to turn it down. And perhaps knowing that, that will happen, gave me the anxiety attack.
(I've decided to still publish this post, and I don't think I could finish it. Perhaps those feelings have gone and I've lost the momentum of the post. Thus, I shall leave it to this, I'm sorry that this post left my readers hanging... Perhaps this post were never meant to finish... Until then)
My anxiety attack last night, exhausted me in some ways that I fell asleep. I can't even remember the point where I fell asleep. But at least I had a good night sleep.
I woke up to day a little late, and I plan to work half day today, because I had errands to run in the afternoon. But unfortunately, I overslept and decided to take the whole day leave. Today, the one errand that I'm running became two. I was supposed to get a letter for the insurance agent and sent it to the bank. And I did just that, but unfortunately the letter did not mention what was required, so I had to make my way back to the insurance agent and wait for them to issue another letter, then I went back to the bank again. It was cumbersome for me, but it is something I sort of appreciated because I've got nothing better to do at the current moment.
I have been thinking about the anxiety attack that I had last night, and trying hard to figure out what was the reason for the worrying and anxiety. And it becomes clearer even after I read the comment from Maria.M : "It is normal to feel anxiety from time to time. The unease, intense worry or nervousness gives character to life's already colorful graph. It is human to feel. Like the 'S' curve of development... you could be climbing from the bottom curve... or are you at the top curve approaching the cliffhanger?"
I think I am going through something of the latter. I'm about to fall off. Fall from or of something, which I still have to figure out. But there feels a great sense of change in me which I am reluctant to do, yet I had to face up, and it feels inevitable. There's something that I have done recently, that probably explains the anxiety. And I only shared it with my best friend, Billy. I have told him that I am going to become celibate (of relationship and love). I told him that I'm cutting those feelings and learning to numb my heart and mind from ever going to that place again. Probably that was why I was anxious. Once I announce my intentions, I became conscious that I have to keep my word that I have just said. Maybe, I worry too much that I might fall again into the same trap. Sometimes, I just keep on wondering, where would you draw the line between trying and giving up? Am I giving up of love? Or am I pushing all intentions to fall in love again? I'm rambling and I know, you're lost in these sentences, I'm lost as well... But it feels so weird when I have consciously have decided and say it, that I'm closing that road that leads to relationships.
I guess, I have said those words before but maybe perhaps this time I mean it. I guess I have decided that this time, even when I found the "perfect" one, I will have to turn it down. And perhaps knowing that, that will happen, gave me the anxiety attack.
(I've decided to still publish this post, and I don't think I could finish it. Perhaps those feelings have gone and I've lost the momentum of the post. Thus, I shall leave it to this, I'm sorry that this post left my readers hanging... Perhaps this post were never meant to finish... Until then)
Friday, 20 November 2009
Love Revisited
Last night I had a revisit from a previous love. I met up with one of my ex "E", after being apart for almost six months.
The reason for this revisit is to see if we could still be friends. And indeed we could be friends and had wonderful chat, which in turn, had turned into tears. Well both of us shed tears, of laughter and regret. Mostly regret from my part. This relationship failed because I fell out of love, and I didn't think there was any point to keep seeing each other. It was a mutual understanding. Well, now, I must say, I was stupid. I am stupid. I denied true love even when true love was looking stark right in front of my face.
Now, guess who had the better life? And no, it isn't me. My ex now found a new man, and this guy is so good looking that it would probably make Brad Pitt blush, and not just that, the relationship is stable and my ex is very happy and psych about it. What hurts was that my ex said, "I think from the looks of it, we could last long, because he's a simple guy, quiet, honest, loving and everything that I could ask from a man". Ouch! That hurts... And from the looks of it, my ex did not say it in a way to piss me off. Because what happened next was touching to me. "Honestly, and I can't deny it though, I'm still very much in love with you, and I still miss you every single day, even until now". I just broke into tears.
My ex knew that things wouldn't have worked even if we tried back then, in fact, things had turn into worse, just after we broke up due to my ex's change of lifestyle and personal and family matters. And at that time, my ex told me, it was so busy that there was not even time to mourn for our lost relationship, which was also a blessing. I was an idiot. I am an idiot.
But it seems that my ex is happy, but also sad when we were reminiscing our relationship together. We agreed that more than 90% of the time we spent were special and great. A lot of laughters and joy were spent in that relationship. It only went sour because I had a change of heart. I fell out of love with my ex, and I couldn't hide it any longer and we broke off, I wrote about the breaking up here (click here).
But after last night tears and confession, I feel so stupid, my eyes is still sore after crying so much. I'm not a man who shed tears easily. But right now, I feel stupid and depressed. I told my ex, "at least, the stupid one is me, and look at me now, I'm alone and feeling sorry for myself. I've failed more relationship after being with you, one thing that is obvious now, you don't deserve me, you deserve better and you are deserving it now". But it was good that we met, my ex wanted to introduce me to the new man in my ex's life. But I declined. Of course, everyone would know the reason to that.
I feel so happy to see my ex, but I feel so sad about myself. I feel sorry for myself, I regret saying and doing the things to my ex. One thing that I can't change about me now, is that I'm not happy, I feel lonely and I have no one else to blame but myself. But I guess, it's just a subjective matter. Looking at the glass half empty or half full. And from where I am now, it's half empty. No, just plain empty. I know what I am doing to myself at this moment is the right thing to do, and like every right thing to do, is painful and hurtful. But certain things have to be done. My ex said to me, "without any shatter of a doubt, if I am single right now, I would go through it all again, start all over again and spend my life with you again".
So as you can see, after hearing those, tears just flows. How could I have been so blind and oblivious to my ex's feelings. It breaks my heart to hear those words. But I guess that's the way life works. Biting you in places you least expect. So anyway, I should stop writing now, because writing this post had made me gone teary again. By the way, I've written a post which I have not publish yet, because I haven't finished writing it. I will post it soon. Until then...
The reason for this revisit is to see if we could still be friends. And indeed we could be friends and had wonderful chat, which in turn, had turned into tears. Well both of us shed tears, of laughter and regret. Mostly regret from my part. This relationship failed because I fell out of love, and I didn't think there was any point to keep seeing each other. It was a mutual understanding. Well, now, I must say, I was stupid. I am stupid. I denied true love even when true love was looking stark right in front of my face.
Now, guess who had the better life? And no, it isn't me. My ex now found a new man, and this guy is so good looking that it would probably make Brad Pitt blush, and not just that, the relationship is stable and my ex is very happy and psych about it. What hurts was that my ex said, "I think from the looks of it, we could last long, because he's a simple guy, quiet, honest, loving and everything that I could ask from a man". Ouch! That hurts... And from the looks of it, my ex did not say it in a way to piss me off. Because what happened next was touching to me. "Honestly, and I can't deny it though, I'm still very much in love with you, and I still miss you every single day, even until now". I just broke into tears.
My ex knew that things wouldn't have worked even if we tried back then, in fact, things had turn into worse, just after we broke up due to my ex's change of lifestyle and personal and family matters. And at that time, my ex told me, it was so busy that there was not even time to mourn for our lost relationship, which was also a blessing. I was an idiot. I am an idiot.
But it seems that my ex is happy, but also sad when we were reminiscing our relationship together. We agreed that more than 90% of the time we spent were special and great. A lot of laughters and joy were spent in that relationship. It only went sour because I had a change of heart. I fell out of love with my ex, and I couldn't hide it any longer and we broke off, I wrote about the breaking up here (click here).
But after last night tears and confession, I feel so stupid, my eyes is still sore after crying so much. I'm not a man who shed tears easily. But right now, I feel stupid and depressed. I told my ex, "at least, the stupid one is me, and look at me now, I'm alone and feeling sorry for myself. I've failed more relationship after being with you, one thing that is obvious now, you don't deserve me, you deserve better and you are deserving it now". But it was good that we met, my ex wanted to introduce me to the new man in my ex's life. But I declined. Of course, everyone would know the reason to that.
I feel so happy to see my ex, but I feel so sad about myself. I feel sorry for myself, I regret saying and doing the things to my ex. One thing that I can't change about me now, is that I'm not happy, I feel lonely and I have no one else to blame but myself. But I guess, it's just a subjective matter. Looking at the glass half empty or half full. And from where I am now, it's half empty. No, just plain empty. I know what I am doing to myself at this moment is the right thing to do, and like every right thing to do, is painful and hurtful. But certain things have to be done. My ex said to me, "without any shatter of a doubt, if I am single right now, I would go through it all again, start all over again and spend my life with you again".
So as you can see, after hearing those, tears just flows. How could I have been so blind and oblivious to my ex's feelings. It breaks my heart to hear those words. But I guess that's the way life works. Biting you in places you least expect. So anyway, I should stop writing now, because writing this post had made me gone teary again. By the way, I've written a post which I have not publish yet, because I haven't finished writing it. I will post it soon. Until then...
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Anxious
Tonight, I'm feeling anxious.
I don't know what's wrong, but something feels amiss. Something feels not right. It got me wondering am I having relationship withdrawal syndrome? Today, from early morning till now (which is midnight), I have been by myself. Well not entirely, but I didn't have the company of my friends or family, let alone a lover. I woke up pretty late, and attended my errands, which is to re-fill the forms for my insurance and sent it to the bank and send the form back to the insurance agent which all ends in pretty much less than an hour.
After that, I had my breakfast, lunch and dinner in a cozy little restaurant, I spent about three hours there and went home. I've stayed home since then up till now. Maybe perhaps I feel a little claustrophobic being in the house for too long. And I have been so anxious that I finish half a pack of cigarette. I'm not sure why, my tongue feels dry and I drank a lot of water causing me to pee almost every half hour. I watched tv the whole night, but half of my mind was else where, well, not anywhere in particular just blank. Even as I slouched on my bed with my computer on my lap. I feel a little agitated.
Something IS wrong. I don't know what it is, the last time I took caffeine was at 4pm, so I know that's not the cause... Seriously, something feels... it is very difficult to describe. Anxious.
I'm writing this in this state, maybe things may fall out of my head, through my fingers and release all this anxiety. But that doesn't seem to work, as I still couldn't work out what is wrong with me.
But anyway, I guess, I should stop here. Today's 'therapy' didn't seem to work.
Until then...
I don't know what's wrong, but something feels amiss. Something feels not right. It got me wondering am I having relationship withdrawal syndrome? Today, from early morning till now (which is midnight), I have been by myself. Well not entirely, but I didn't have the company of my friends or family, let alone a lover. I woke up pretty late, and attended my errands, which is to re-fill the forms for my insurance and sent it to the bank and send the form back to the insurance agent which all ends in pretty much less than an hour.
After that, I had my breakfast, lunch and dinner in a cozy little restaurant, I spent about three hours there and went home. I've stayed home since then up till now. Maybe perhaps I feel a little claustrophobic being in the house for too long. And I have been so anxious that I finish half a pack of cigarette. I'm not sure why, my tongue feels dry and I drank a lot of water causing me to pee almost every half hour. I watched tv the whole night, but half of my mind was else where, well, not anywhere in particular just blank. Even as I slouched on my bed with my computer on my lap. I feel a little agitated.
Something IS wrong. I don't know what it is, the last time I took caffeine was at 4pm, so I know that's not the cause... Seriously, something feels... it is very difficult to describe. Anxious.
I'm writing this in this state, maybe things may fall out of my head, through my fingers and release all this anxiety. But that doesn't seem to work, as I still couldn't work out what is wrong with me.
But anyway, I guess, I should stop here. Today's 'therapy' didn't seem to work.
Until then...
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Getting Ahead of Myself
How am I going to say this? Let me see...
Actually, I've started dating again. The latest date that I had, pulls me back to the same cycle again. No, don't get off your chair just yet (to smack me). But I'm trying my best to pull every energy left of me to avoid going back to the same situation.
I know, it's a date, and sure enough, in due course, a relationship would follow suit. But not this fast. It has gone from a date to a relationship in lightning speed. No, it's not a relationship yet because I've manage to resist it. Well, honestly, still resisting it. It looks good from where I am standing, but I'm so afraid of the future it holds. Some say perhaps I have this un-ending need from drama, to love and fail over and over again. Even a reader has labelled this blog as a 'love' blog. No, it's not, it's a story of me. Kellaz. A journal of my thoughts, trials and tribulations. But sure enough, I have to agree, for the past few months or perhaps a year, this blog have been revolving around my love stories. No, correction, my pathetic love stories.
I know it's weird to pour out so much into a blog, especially being in Brunei (it is a place where everybody almost know everybody, seriously, really), stories like this do get around easily. But I'm not doing this for attention or fame. But, every single time I write my thoughts and feelings on the blog, that nudging feeling, the burdening feeling on your head and shoulder eases up a little bit. But from recently experience, some of my thoughts were retaliated against. I guess, the saying is true, you can't please everyone. Nevertheless, eventually we move on to better things.
I would love to write more on this current... (I'm thinking of what to call it), it's not a relationship for sure, and it's more than a date), but this... situation that I am in. But one thing I am sure of, I find myself pulling out, because I guess, the other party is pushing too hard on me. I feel trapped somehow, it's a weird feeling. Secretly I want in, but I am seriously traumatised by my seven and a half relationship that I have been through. Seriously I'm sort of terrified of relationships. I know for sure that I'm not that ready to hold a new relationship. But it's going too fast and too soon. I'm freaking out, really I am.
I don't know, I guess, my ambivalence is taking over me. I'm confused, but I'm at the point of beyond confused, that I push it at the back of my mind, taped the nagging feeling silent and just go through my daily life as usual. But that burden of 'unfinished business' is still there. But anyhow... like the title of this blog post, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. I just need a little time and space right now... A breather, so to speak...
The processing state of my, well, estate, is still going smooth, although realising it has gone a little bit quieter, I guess the bank and the lawyers are in transit discussions about the way forward. But anyhow, I'm keeping tab on everything, ensuring that the payment can be done as soon as possible. I'm tracking really really hard on this matter. I sometimes feel like I am holding my breath all these while... as I wait for my body to rise up from the murky waters... It's scary, but like everything else, we put our worries and fear behind and do the best we can.
Rambling unnecessarily, I have been, it seems... Got nothing much else to say actually, just keeping my readers happy by posting some thoughts of mine...
Until then...
I know, it's a date, and sure enough, in due course, a relationship would follow suit. But not this fast. It has gone from a date to a relationship in lightning speed. No, it's not a relationship yet because I've manage to resist it. Well, honestly, still resisting it. It looks good from where I am standing, but I'm so afraid of the future it holds. Some say perhaps I have this un-ending need from drama, to love and fail over and over again. Even a reader has labelled this blog as a 'love' blog. No, it's not, it's a story of me. Kellaz. A journal of my thoughts, trials and tribulations. But sure enough, I have to agree, for the past few months or perhaps a year, this blog have been revolving around my love stories. No, correction, my pathetic love stories.
I know it's weird to pour out so much into a blog, especially being in Brunei (it is a place where everybody almost know everybody, seriously, really), stories like this do get around easily. But I'm not doing this for attention or fame. But, every single time I write my thoughts and feelings on the blog, that nudging feeling, the burdening feeling on your head and shoulder eases up a little bit. But from recently experience, some of my thoughts were retaliated against. I guess, the saying is true, you can't please everyone. Nevertheless, eventually we move on to better things.
I would love to write more on this current... (I'm thinking of what to call it), it's not a relationship for sure, and it's more than a date), but this... situation that I am in. But one thing I am sure of, I find myself pulling out, because I guess, the other party is pushing too hard on me. I feel trapped somehow, it's a weird feeling. Secretly I want in, but I am seriously traumatised by my seven and a half relationship that I have been through. Seriously I'm sort of terrified of relationships. I know for sure that I'm not that ready to hold a new relationship. But it's going too fast and too soon. I'm freaking out, really I am.
I don't know, I guess, my ambivalence is taking over me. I'm confused, but I'm at the point of beyond confused, that I push it at the back of my mind, taped the nagging feeling silent and just go through my daily life as usual. But that burden of 'unfinished business' is still there. But anyhow... like the title of this blog post, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. I just need a little time and space right now... A breather, so to speak...
The processing state of my, well, estate, is still going smooth, although realising it has gone a little bit quieter, I guess the bank and the lawyers are in transit discussions about the way forward. But anyhow, I'm keeping tab on everything, ensuring that the payment can be done as soon as possible. I'm tracking really really hard on this matter. I sometimes feel like I am holding my breath all these while... as I wait for my body to rise up from the murky waters... It's scary, but like everything else, we put our worries and fear behind and do the best we can.
Rambling unnecessarily, I have been, it seems... Got nothing much else to say actually, just keeping my readers happy by posting some thoughts of mine...
Until then...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
